I suppose you could call this part-update, part-article. I'm not entirely sure.
Essentially I'm at the point where I've somehow boxed myself in with regards to what I want to create, and what I want to write. I've become scared. Of what? I don't know, I think it's just a fabrication of my mind.
It's very similar to the times when I made art back on social media. Every post was like "I hope they're going to like it this time". Now, something that I didn't even take into consideration is who is this "they" I'm speaking of?
Is it the people who actually follow me for the stuff I post, or is it who I think are following me? Because in short, I was second-guessing myself every time I wanted to post anything. "Bah, they're not going to like this. This is garbage", and so I end up not posting anything at all. I've essentially managed to project my self-critic onto an external audience and paralyzed myself as a result.
Now this is quite significant as it fits into a rather treacherous spiral that I've observed with myself over the years I've tried to share things on the Internet:
In fact, I'm so notorious for this sort of thing that there's even a name for this action: the burn down. If you're interested in MBTI, some dudes covered why my particular personality type (INFJ) is known for doing this sort of thing (here's one video and the other).
Basically after a short while of running any sort of public account I legitimately lose my mind for an indeterminate amount of time and for some reason the only solution that seems to be present in this mental depression is to delete practically everything. Just erase my entire existence from the Internet. I was very, very close to deleting this entire site, but I decided that I've made this rash decision too many times and if anything I should just let it collect dust instead of eradicating it from existence.
It very much reminds me of Body Integrity Identity Disorder, where those who suffer from it have an intense desire to amputate their own limbs despite them being perfectly healthy. Like my current situation, there are certainly better ways to go about this instead of going for the most nuclear option; something which often cannot be revoked.
I'm honestly surprised that I've gone as long as I did with this site (8 months or so?). Usually by around the first or second month I'm already losing my mind. The amount of times I came on and then left social media is certainly more than enough times to question why this keeps on happening.
I think it's primarily because of the metrics and statistics that typical social media platforms integrate. Likes, followers, views, whatever. When my account gets a substantial amount of exposure I'm more likely to encroach into this depressive state, because there is this foreign pressure to perform well, whatever that even means in this context.
After all of this, I've settled on a simple maxim: if you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one.
Why I believe this is because by temperament I absolutely hate conflict, and as a result I often become a dumb doormat. I've realized that if I start trying to appease to "everyone", then really no one is being served anything of value, because I'm split in too many directions. Every message loses its power, because you try and not step on any landmines but as a result you end up going nowhere.
Now, is this an excuse to be a morally reprehensible human being? Of course not. It's just that there are so many things outside of your control that no matter what you do, someone is going to be upset. Heck, I'm sure the fact that I merely exist is probably making someone out there upset. There's very little I could do about that, and honestly it's something I shouldn't even worry about.
It basically boils down to trying one's best to communicate and be genuine as possible. And if people get upset? Well, there's very little I could do about that. It's because people can easily take something you've said out of context and then get upset over that. Do I really have control over whether people take things out of context? I don't, so why should I even bother?
I mean, a theoretically perfect individual could have people angry at them for the sole reason that they expose them of their insecurities. Is that perfect being in the wrong then? I don't think so. The fact that people are upset at you doesn't make you more or less a good individual. And the inverse is true also: the fact that people are praising someone doesn't make them any more good or bad. Be in the wrong group and you'll get lambasted regardless of what you do. The environment often dictates people's approval or disapproval, so it should be something that can essentially be ignored.
So what I'm doing about this to prevent this sort of thing from happening again (that is, nearly deleting my whole site) is just hiding the metrics. I've managed to remove all of the statistics in the Neocities feed using this browser extension so that I can't see the amount of followers that I have, and also I can't see the likes under posts anymore. It's just something that reminds me too much of social media to really stomach properly.
And with the thing I said where I won't be checking the feed anymore back in February, well I'm revoking that, so now I can see comments again. Truthfully, blocking the feed was something that I didn't want to have to do, but the statistics were definitely something that affected me too much. Not to mention that having no feedback in anything straight up sucks. It kind of reduced my site to a dumping ground rather than a place to socialize with other people.
It's just that why does any sort of social platform have to have these sorts of metrics? I'm sure we can do just fine not having them, or at least, I'm sure I will live better without them.
But anyways, I'm done writing this. I'll see you peeps around.